The Reason to Live
by Fourplay
Summary: "There are many reasons why some people wish to die. One of them is when they no longer see a reason to be alive. But sometimes, people get lucky and find a new reason to keep on living... and I am one of those who are lucky."
1. Part I

**(,',,,)~**

_Through the fluttering curtains that framed his window, he stares transfixed on the shadows shifting into different shapes and then molding into one in a lazy dance beneath the hazy glow of the moon. Somewhere, at the far corners of his mind, he can hear his doctor's disapproving voice, scolding him for letting the draft in, but he easily pushes it already letting sleep take him._

**(,',,,)~**

**N**atsume woke up the next morning to the same burning feeling in his chest that had been there for the last few days. It didn't hurt as much as it did at first, and he felt everything get lighter when he saw who'd just entered the room to pay him a visit.

At the other side of the room was Tsubasa, his usual cheerful smile plastered on his face. There was, however, an unmistakable look of concern in his eyes, and although he tried to hide it desperately, Natsume knew better. They had been good friends for years, after all, and Natsume - the observant man that he was - had him memorized. Almost.

Refusing to let Natsume sum him up with those crimson eyes of his again, Tsubasa began his way towards the hospital bed, his footsteps making the only noises in the cold room.

Tsubasa croaked, "How are you feeling?" with the tiny voice that stayed behind in his chest along with a mixture of fear and sympathy. However, Natsume only looked at his visitor with a blank stare, because he didn't need any of his pity. He didn't even need him right now.

Tsubasa instantly regretted asking that question, for Natsume always read between the lines, and the question must have seemed offensive to him. However, he did nothing to compensate for that mistake; he did not say sorry, nor did he try to change the topic. Natsume was almost like a younger brother to him - and he knew Natsume felt that way too; he was just too shy to admit it - and he had a right to know how Natsume was feeling. It wasn't pity; it was concern. Natsume had to know the difference between the two.

"What did the doctors say?" Tsubasa asked, realizing his previous question might have been too personal for Natsume.

"I was barely conscious, so you'll have to ask them again," he replied, avoiding eye contact.

Tsubasa cared for Natsume, and Natsume appreciated that; he just didn't know how to show it. Not that he wanted to.

Tsubasa sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair, making the black mess stand even more on end, and glanced towards the window. His attention was soon reverted back to Natsume's face as sunlight leaked through the glass, casting shadows upon the patient's pale cheeks and creating intricate patterns of light and dark across his smooth skin.

Natsume refused to meet his gaze. He couldn't bear to look at him, to see the emotions he knew Tsubasa was trying—and failing—to suppress. But the other man had no intentions of tearing his eyes on him, and he couldn't stare holes at the glass vase on the bedside table.

Slowly, he lifted his head and finally met Tsubasa's eyes.

No one spoke; all there was was the silent exchange of uncertainty and concern between Natsume's cold red eyes and Tsubasa's dark blue ones.

"Listen, Natsume," Tsubasa broke the silence. "There's something you should know."

Before Tsubasa could deliver the bad news, Ruka entered the room. His eyes were red from crying and Natsume wondered how such an accident could have affected his best friend that much.

Ruka had not expected Natsume to be awake by the time he came. His eyes - which he knew were red from crying over Mikan's death - were enough for Natsume to suspect that something had happened. Natsume knew that Ruka wasn't the type to cry that much over his hospitalization - especially since his case wasn't even that serious - and so, Ruka had to make an outright lie.

"What's up?" Natsume asked.

Ruka didn't know if any of their friends had already decided whether or not to deliver the bad news, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Piyo's dead."


	2. Part II

Tsubasa wanted to laugh right then; it took every ounce of self-restraint for him not to. He knew, however, that doing so would arouse suspicion, so he proceeded with telling Ruka, "I'm very sorry for your loss, bro."

Ruka was taken aback by Tsubasa's comment at first, but then realized what the lad was trying to do. "Thank you, Tsubasa," he said.

Natsume, meanwhile, was silently observing the two. Their actions were a little off, but he couldn't quite deduce why.

"I'm sorry," Natsume said. "Are you going to bury her?"

"Umm... No, I don't think so," Ruka said. "Hotaru wanted to cook her instead, so I think I might let her."

Tsubasa's eyes widened at Ruka's sad attempts of lying to his best friend, but what could he do now that it's been said?

Desperate for Plan B, Tsubasa cleared his throat. He knew that suspicion was crossing Natsume's sickly features, so he scratched the back of his head and stared hard at Ruka. He might as well play along and save the terrible news for later. "Anyway, Natsume, we'll leave you for a while, okay? Get some rest so that you'll be patched up soon."

Ruka took his cue and exited from the cold room, stealing a glance at his friend.

Tsubasa, on the other hand, wanted to stay, to assure Natsume that everything was going to be okay, to sing him to sleep - and maybe remind himself that Natsume was existent and breathing and alive in front of him.

And it was true; it wasn't a dream. Natsume was really alive.

That was the only thing that mattered. Tsubasa walked to the door and willed himself not to look back, because he would only drown in guilt and, perhaps, anger. Anger because—

"Wait," Natsume whispered.

He seemed so fragile and, well, dead, and Tsubasa could only thank countless higher beings for giving Natsume a miracle. Tsubasa stopped in his tracks and turned around, all the while marveling at the boy who lay helpless on the hospital bed.

He knew he should have gone out of the room when he got his chance to do so.

"Where's Mikan?"

Tsubasa felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him with that question, and he shifted in his place, trying his best to not look so guilty. "Uh, Natsume, the doctors told me to make sure that you get enough rest—"

"I asked you a question, Andou," Natsume replied sternly, feeling slightly annoyed by the older alice's obvious attempt to distract him. The last thing he needed right now was for the man to start pretending that he cared.

Tsubasa was panicking. He knew the question would be asked, but he didn't think it would be this soon. And right now he wasn't sure if he was willing to deal with a sick and angry person. Natsume might be the most prized alice in all of the Academy, but he was still a kid, and Tsubasa had been with Dangerous Ability long enough to know how mentally and physically draining the missions could be. "Natsume—"

"Has no one told you? Mikan is dead."

The cold, cruel words prompted both young men to freeze, the younger man in bewilderment while the other one in shock. From his place on the hospital bed, Natsume turned his head and looked at the young woman who had spoken, his lips slightly parted, his mind reeling from what he had just been told.

"Mikan... is dead?" he repeated, his voice only a little above a whisper. "Imai... that's not a very good joke," he added, crumpling the bedsheets in his hands. He narrowed his eyes at Hotaru and the anxious Ruka behind her, before turning his glare to the young man who had been with him ever since he woke up. "You're all fucking idiots. Stop joking about something like this."

Tsubasa gritted his teeth, unable to help but glare at Ruka. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. He had been very particular about keeping Hotaru Imai from entering the room where Natsume was staying. A meeting between the two will only result in an ugly clash, and the young man knew not one of them—not him, not Ruka, not even Hotaru and most definitely not Natsume – was ready for something as such.

Allowing Ruka no chance to explain, Hotaru spat, "Do you honestly think I'm joking, Hyuuga? I would never joke about my best friend's well-being. She's dead."

Natsume, who struggled to comprehend her words and form his own, looked at Tsubasa with guilty eyes.

Natsume didn't know how to take this. Last thing he remembered was that he and Mikan were on a mission together as per instructions from the Academy; next thing he knew he was in the hospital and Mikan was dead. How they expected him to handle this was beyond him. All he could think of right now was how this couldn't have been anyone else's fault if not his.

He made for the machines that held him chained to the bed. Tsubasa and Ruka rushed over to him to stop him from pulling any tubes or wires. Like he had actually reached any of them though, he ached all over.

"Let me go. Now."

Natsume's voice sounded rough and broken, as if he was close to crying.

Ruka immediately loosened his grip on Natsume's arm, but Tsubasa held fast to the shaking shoulders before him. "Calm down, Natsume! Acting rashly isn't going to help anyone!"

Natsume was breathless, his chest heaving up and down with each ragged breath. "It's my fault... isn't it?" he muttered, running a hand over his face in a mixture of anger and frustration. He slapped Tsubasa's hands away and settled back in his bed, trying to sort out his thoughts and emotions.

Mikan was dead. Mikan was dead, and it was his goddamn fault.

Hotaru's impassive expression cracked, and she glared at Natsume's sunken posture in obvious disdain. "Your arrogance knows no bounds, Hyuuga. Do you think the world only revolves around you, Hyuuga?"

Natsume's head shot up, red eyes flashing dangerously. He gritted his teeth. "Imai, just this once can you not give me any of your crap—"

"When you accepted a position as part of the Dangerous Ability class," she plowed on, voice somber and flat but carrying the undercurrent tone of something breaking inside, "you knew you were basically signing a contract for an early death. That's the essence of Alice Academy, reinforced even more so by Dangerous Ability-to put the life of one person in peril, if that is what it takes to save the lives of more. For the 'greater good'."

Hotaru fixed him with an unwavering eye. "Mikan understood that. I'll admit she was never the smartest, but at least, and unlike you, she was perceptive enough to realize and accept that she could die at any point in time during a mission. She understood she was going to lose people she loved, because sometimes that's what's necessary to be hero. Sometimes gashes and bruises here and there, sometimes a broken arm, and sometimes your own tragedy-because happy ever afters very rarely exist in real life, and the closest to them come with sacrifices."

Natsume narrowed his eyes at the inventor.

"What are you saying? That her death couldn't be avoided? You and I both know that she would still be here if I had been a little bit faster, a little bit stronger, a little bit better at what I'm doing."

Hotaru only stared at him, Natsume had the sudden urge to punch the girl. Hotaru looked like she pitied him and the Black Cat could not understand why.

Hotaru shook her head, frustrated by his stubbornness, and held up two long, perfectly manicured fingers. "Two things, Hyuuga," she declared. "One: this isn't about you. Get your head out of your ass and stop claiming yourself for every screw up that happens. To think that way is arrogant, pathetic, and most of all, insulting to Mikan's memory."

"H-Hotaru..." Ruka squeaks, to which the young woman frowns.

"Stop being stupid and let's go, Ruka. I have no time to waste watching an idiot make a fool of himself," Hotaru said; she took one last glare at Natsume and turned on her heel to leave the room.

"Oh, and Hyuuga," she added, just before turning the knob and finally taking her leave, "Your sulking will not bring Mikan back to life."

The room was quiet as soon as the pair was gone. Once more, Tsubasa and Natsume were alone. The truth was out in the open, the atmosphere heavier and thicker than it had been prior to Hotaru's unexpected arrival.

Tsubasa approached Natsume's bed tentatively. "I'm sure... I'm sure Hotaru dropped by so she could check on you," he offered, unsure how to present the situation without aggravating the younger student any further.

He knew Natsume well enough to know that the latter did not take kindly to lectures like the one he had just received from Hotaru. But Tsubasa would be lying if he said that he didn't appreciate what Hotaru had done.

Natsume needed something like that. Something to snap him out of his trance-like state. Someone to push his anger and temper to their limits, and get him to think rationally again.

"When were you going to tell me?"

Tsubasa froze, not at all expecting the question. "I planned on telling you... as soon as you woke up," he muttered, shoving a hand in his pocket uneasily. "But then Ruka stepped in and..."

He sighed. "I guess I got scared. I was worried about you, and I didn't know how it would—"

"Worried about me?" Natsume cut him off and threw him an angry look. The younger man looked more subdued now, but Tsubasa was mistaken if he thought it meant the Black Cat would just forget about everything. "Mikan died and you say you didn't tell me about it because _you were worried about me_?!"

Tsubasa stopped, inwardly cursing himself for saying something so unnecessary. He should have simply kept his mouth shut. "Look, Natsume, I—"

"Get out!" Natsume yelled, his small frame shaking as he glared at his Dangerous Ability classmates. "I don't need you here, Andou."

Tsubasa was silent as he watched Natsume struggle against himself, the conflicting emotions flashing in those crimsons and lingering there. It was so rare for the younger man to lose himself like this, to let the anger take over him completely.

The older alice shifted restlessly. He wondered if it would be best to leave Natsume. Earlier he had been certain that Natsume was feeling better, but after that clash with Hotaru, Tsubasa thought maybe he should stay a little longer, regardless whether Natsume liked it or not.

Natsume gripped the sheets tightly, his shoulders tense as he looked at the older student. "Didn't you hear me, Andou? I said get out. Get the fuck out of my room before I do something that just might kill you."

"You're sick, Natsume," Tsubasa insisted calmly, taking a few steps closer to Natsume. "You need someone to look after you—"

Tsubasa's words were rudely cut off when Natsume gave him a stinging slap across the face. The older alice blinked, the impact easily coloring his cheeks dark red, momentarily leaving him stunned and numb. It took a few seconds for him to realize what had happened, and he instinctively reached up, his eyes wide as he looked over to Natsume. "You..."

"Don't make me repeat myself, Andou," Natsume growled through clenched teeth, positioned awkwardly and apprehensively on the edge of his bed. His breathing was coming in deep, shallow gasps, and his entire body was now trembling more evidently. The ordeal was taxing him more than he would ever care to admit, and they both knew it.

Tsubasa clenched his jaw, and in a blinding fit of anger, he grabbed Natsume's trembling shoulders and hauled the brat close. "What the hell is your problem, Natsume?" he demanded furiously. "Is it too much to ask you to shut up and get some goddamn fucking rest?"

Natsume squirmed against him, trying to pry himself away from the older alice. "When were you going to tell me that that idiot is dead, huh? What gave you the right to keep things like that from me? You're not even my friend, and yet you dare come here and try to tell me what I should and what I shouldn't know?"

Tsubasa gave him a rough shake. "Is it too hard to believe I was worried about you?" he demanded, equally angry this time.

Natsume struggled under his grip. "Stop bullshitting me! We both know—nnghhh!"

The rest of the Black Cat's words were muffled when Tsubasa pressed his lips against his forcefully.


	3. Part III

Natsume flinched, the sudden assault leaving him paralyzed and unable to think for a few fleeting moments. "Nhh—" he moaned, his crimson eyes wide with surprise, his body frozen rigid in shock, the loud pounding of his heart drowning out everything in that moment.

Against his will, the young man shut his eyes, the warring thoughts in his head serving to his disadvantage. He tried to pull away, but Tsubasa's strong arm was wrapped firmly around the small of his back, his free hand holding Natsume's wrist and keeping him in place.

As if that wasn't enough, Tsubasa was exploring his mouth like he had every right to. Warning bells started furiously alarming in Natsume's, especially when he felt his own self-control waver. He was vaguely aware that he was no longer struggling, his arms instead finding a way to wrap themselves around Tsubasa and pull the older alice closer.

Natsume's fingers found a way to entangle themselves in Tsubasa's hair, and the younger man parted his lips, allowing the alice of the shadows more access. He clawed at Tsubasa's shoulders, his back arching when he felt the older man's hand let go of his wrist and move to his exposed legs, the warmth from those hands enough to send Natsume over the edge.

"Nhnn...!" Natsume moaned, gasping for air when Tsubasa's lips momentarily left his. Chest still heaving up and down from breathlessness, the Black Cat instinctively reached out for the older alice, his body refusing to welcome the sudden coldness without Tsubasa's warmth."N-Natsume..."

Upon hearing his name, the young man stopped, his eyes suddenly wide open. With a horrified expression on his face, Natsume looked over to Tsubasa just a few paces away, panting and looking quite out of it.

"W-What...?" Natsume whispered, his voice sounding strangled. He swallowed, feeling as if he had been punched in the gut when he realized his own state. He was, thankfully, still on the bed, but he was a big mess. His hospital gown was wrinkled as hell, and his lips were still swollen from Tsubasa's kiss. Worse, he could feel himself blushing furiously, especially when he realized that his arm was still outstretched—like he was beckoning for the other alice to come back.

Natsume let his arm drop at his side, his mind still trying to catch up with what had just happened. He glanced up at Tsubasa in search of an explanation, perhaps even of an excuse, only to look away in embarrassment when he saw Tsubasa licking his lips sensually.

Tsubasa inhaled and exhaled, trying to gather himself as well. He adjusted his clothes, running a finger over his lips as he tried to fix the hair that Natsume had eagerly clung to in the midst of their kiss. He stole a glance in the direction of the younger student, only to swear under his breath. Natsume was blushing, looking so fragile with his tousled hair and swollen, parted lips. If Tsubasa didn't know any better, he'd think that Natsume was probably trying to seduce him.

As if reading his thoughts, it was then that Natsume spoke up, seemingly unable to stand the awkward silence that had enveloped the room. "You bastard," he hissed, wiping his lips in what seemed to be a mixture of disgust and embarrassent. Rivulets of sweat trailed down his still flushed cheeks, and he growled. "You fucking bastard."

Tsubasa sighed, knowing he really screwed up this time. "Natsume, I—" He trailed off, unsure how to explain himself. He didn't know what had gone over him, but he was sure he wanted it—they both wanted it.

But he also knew he shouldn't have done that. Not when Natsume was weak and sick and still just barely recovering what what had happened to him a few weeks ago. Tsubasa should have known better than to be angry - hell, even he couldn't understand why he lost his temper so quickly.

He was better than this. The good-natured Tsubasa Andou has more patience than this. Especially when it concerned a particular Natsume Hyuuga. Tsubasa could list down a hundred situations in the past when Natsume tried to goad his temper and miserably failed.

'So what's the difference now?' a small voice in his head inquired, as if taunting him. Tsubasa shook his head, trying to get himself together. The last thing he needed was to get distracted—not with an angry Natsume in front of him.

Natsume took a deep, strangled breath, an expression of frustration imprinted on his face. "Just leave, Andou," he murmured, almost like a defeated sigh. "I want to be alone."

Tsubasa considered the words, his internal conflict rendering him motionless where he stood. He clenched his fists at his sides, surprising even himself when he realized the irrational anger that was rapidly consuming him.

There it was again. Tsubasa hated that look - that expression of defeat on Natsume's face. The older alice couldn't remember how many times he had seen that on Natsume's face, but time and time again he remembered that he hated it.

Natsume always carried an aura of defeat in him. Most people probably didn't see it because they were too overwhelmed by the young man's presence, but Tsubasa did, if only because he had been with the boy for far longer than necessary.

He'd always been conscious of Natsume and the unspoken chaos that he carried with him. The boy had always been mysterious, an enigma that would time and again prove that he was a puzzle too difficult to solve.

There were many things that the boy left unsaid, too many tears that he refused to shed for every precious individual that he lost in his stay in Alice Academy. And Tsubasa knew it— perhaps even understood it—because from the very first time he saw the young flame caster, he felt so sure that he was staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

But right now, Tsubasa wasn't sure if he was still as sympathetic to Natsume as he had always been. There was something about the sadness in the eyes of the boy that did not sit well with the master of the shadows.

It was too familiar—something that he saw every time Natsume looked at the brunette who wielded the nullification alice. It was a haunting look of desperation, like all that's left inthe world was Mikan, and everything else would mean nothing if Natsume lost even her.

'I hate it,' he once admitted to himself, but the words had sounded so foolish that he had no choice but to push it to the back of his mind. Even someone as good-natured as Tsubasa Andou could not admit that he was jealous of a little girl.

'Even if it's the truth?'

Tsubasa heaved a sigh, straightening up from his slouch. "I'm sorry," he simply said, prompting the younger alice to look up at him. "I shouldn't have done that."

'You're damn well right you shouldn't have,' Natsume wanted to snap, but stopped himself just in time. He didn't know if he was imagining things, but something about Tsubasa suddenly changed, like this little encounter had somewhat unleashed a secret that had been so securely guarded over the years.

Tsubasa shoved a hand inside the pocket of his pants. "I had no plans of hiding the truth from you, Natsume," he said. "I wanted to tell you first thing, but when I saw you, somehow..." He gave a mirthless laugh. "It somehow got too complicated."

Natsume was quiet, looking at the play of emotions on the older alice's face. His mind was still barely able to cope with what had been happening ever since he woke up, but he was certain that there was something about Tsubasa's pained expression that made him shut up.

There was something so strange about him. In the many years that Natsume had been with the other alice, he knew that Tsubasa was a person who refused to be put down by anything.

He had a weird sense of humor, and an unfaltering smile that almost always annoyed Natsume. It was one of the many reasons why he even disliked him in the first place - because Tsubasa acted too happy, even when Natsume knew that he wasn't.

No, not really. Studying in the school for alices robbed everyone of the right to happiness. Most especially when you were a part of the Dangerous Ability class, where the death of a comrade was as common as toast in the morning.

"I was the first person they called me about what happened to you and Mikan during the mission," Tsubasa said, disrupting the chaos that was Natsume's thoughts. "They told me that the shot had been fatal, and it was highly unlikely for any of you to survive."

He exhaled. "I was really scared, you know. I felt somewhat responsible, because if only I'd insisted on going with you to that mission then maybe... maybe none of this would have happened." A hollow chuckle escaped his lips. "But when I think of what Imai said... maybe that is a little too arrogant."

"Maybe there really are things that we cannot change, even when we have alices. Maybe it's not even right to want to change everything in the first place. And maybe it's just utterly wrong to hate ourselves for the things we can't change."

Tsubasa walked over to the window next to Natsume's bed, looking at the Northern Forest far ahead. "I always thought alices could do everything—at least until they told me that Mikan had already passed away, and that they might lose your life, too."

He looked at Natsume, a cynical smile on his lips. "When they told me that, I realized I was no longer scared—I was terrified. It was at that moment that I realized the difference between the two—and that I was terrified of the mere thought that you were going to die."

Natsume swallowed, his throat suddenly feeling dry. He gripped the sheets forcefully, somehow wondering if all of this was a dream. The things that Tsubasa was spouting hardly made sense—a terrible joke that needed to stop, and pronto.

"Andou—" Natsume growled through clenched teeth, crimson eyes flashing with anger. "If this is your idea of a joke, I—"

Tsubasa only looked amused, the weariness in his eyes seeming to indicate that he no longer wanted to argue. "This is hardly a thing I would joke about, Natsume."

"Well you're not making any sense," Natsume snapped, clenching his fists. Regardless what Tsubasa was saying, he didn't like where this conversation was heading. It was starting to sound too personal, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to discuss something so delicate right now.

Unfortunately for him, Tsubasa was not the sort of person to be stopped once he had set his mind to do something. Unmindful of the younger man's protest, the alice of the shadows walked back to where Natsume was, stopping only until he was standing next to the Black Cat.

"This will make me sound like a cruel man," he said, lifting Natsume's chin so that stunned crimsons met tender pair of blues, "but I forgot all about Mikan when they told me you were able to survive."

Natsume only stared at Tsubasa, his dazed mind trying to make sense of what he had just heard. "Y-you..." he murmured, blinking twice in succession, as if it would somehow get rid of the confusion he was feeling.

"Let... let go of me," he protested weakly, only then realizing that Tsubasa was still holding him. He slapped away the hands of the older alice and looked away, realizing that staring into those gentle blue eyes was not helping his case.

Natsume tried to scoot away, inwardly afraid that Tsubasa would hear the rapid pounding of his heart. Being too close to the other student was robbing him of the ability to think, and he was pretty sure that that was not a good thing.

Much to his irritation, Tsubasa only smiled. Once again, Natsume had to fight the urge to slap the idiot. Why the hell was he acting like an understanding boyfriend? And how did Natsume's thoughts shift from murderous to... to this?

"I understand," Tsubasa said. "The doctors advised me to let you rest, too, so I guess it will be best if I leave you now."

The next thing that Natsume realized was Tsubasa holding him against his chest, the older alice's strong arms wrapping him in a possessive embrace. "I'm so glad you're alive, Natsume."

Without giving him a chance to react, Tsubasa pulled away, as if unwilling to linger now that he had said his piece. He smiled at Natsume kindly, after which he turned on his heel and left the room without another word.

Natsume watched the door close, cursing himself for the heavy feeling in his chest now that Tsubasa was gone. Wasn't this what he wanted? For that idiot to leave him alone, to let him wallow in his own misery and tears?

After all, wasn't this what he was best at? Pushing people away from him? He had been doing for such a long time it was almost ridiculous how he could regret it now, when it was obviously too late and there was hardly anything worthy for him to lose anymore.

Natsume bit his lip so hard it almost bled, and wondered if, perhaps, Tsubasa took a piece of his heart with him when he left.


	4. Part IV

**N**atsume's condition had been getting so much worse that he started to feel really tired even if all he did—and could do—was sit in bed all day.

Three days after the incident with Tsubasa, he found himself waking up late in the afternoon to the sound of muffled voices outside his hospital room.

Not long after, he saw his high school friend enter, sporting his star tattoo under his eye with a smile. But his smile wasn't like his usual; there was something off about it and Natsume had a pretty good hunch why.

"How about we take a walk?" Tsubasa grinned. "I know this great place in the Northern Forest that no one goes to."

It seemed a bit off that Tsubasa wanted to take Natsume to a dark, secluded area alone. Had they been under normal circumstances, Natsume would have burned that beanie right off Tsubasa's head. But right now, a quiet walk alone with the only person he could stand at the moment sounded perfect.

"Why not?" Natsume said, kicking the blanket off himself.

Tsubasa hurried over to help him get up, worried that having been bed-ridden for the past several days would have made him too weak to even stand up.

"Thanks," he said, holding on to Tsubasa. "I think I can manage now."

"You sure?" Concern enveloped his voice. Natsume nodded, taking small steps towards the door.

It took a while before they got out of the building, what with Natsume refusing to allow Tsubasa to carry him on his back, and them having to make sure none of the doctors saw them.

After a successful escape, despite how long it took, they found themselves walking into the Northern Forest, but towards the path opposite of the one Natsume knew of.

"Natsume, you lost too much blood during that mission," Tsubasa said as they walked deeper into the Northern Forest.

"I know," Natsume said, lugging his dextrose along with him. "But that's not why I'm dying, am I?"

Tsubasa stopped dead in his tracks, surprised the younger alice knew of his unfortunate fate. "How did you—?"

"I'm not stupid. I knew from the moment you entered my room after the doctor talked to you," he said. "So what am I dying from? Some kind of Alice Cancer?"

"Well, if that's what they call overusing your life-shortening Alice, then yes." Tsubasa said quietly, feeling a little vexed that Natsume had it in himself to speak so casually about the issue.

"It would have happened sooner or later anyway," Natsume said, tightening his grip on the dextrose stand he was pulling along with him. "So where are you taking me?"

"We're almost there, we just have to walk a little further," Tsubasa grinned.

After quite some time, they reached what Natsume thought was a dead end. Before he could protest, however, Tsubasa pulled back some branches and leaves and revealed a short, dark pathway that led them to a lake.

"What is this place?" Natsume looked around. The bare trees had parted overhead to reveal a multitude of oranges and reds in the sky without a cloud in sight. Dew dampened the soft grass and glistened under the lowly sun. Last but least was a lake, clear and calm, bar the ripples that danced across the surface when a breeze hit.

Tsubasa sat on the grass and faced the lake so he could get a perfect view of the sunset. He watched the fire caster with concern as the boy struggled to sit down on the wet grass without collapsing. He sighed and ruffled his hair, the action catching the attention of his companion. Natsume gave him a side glance and looked away.

"Stop looking at me like that," Natsume said gruffly.

Tsubasa's lips quirked down and confusion crossed his face.

"I'm not looking at you—"

"I am not blind nor am I an imbecile, Andou." The raven haired boy said coldly.

Tsubasa flinched at the use of his last name.

"I'm just... I can't... I don't—" Tsubasa sputtered his words out, nothing coherent leaving his mouth. He seemed to do this a lot lately especially when it concerned Natsume Hyuuga.

He doesn't know when it started or why it happened. He just knew, he knew something was between him and the fire alice; and whether that something was good or bad, he didn't know. But what he did know was that he didn't care whether it was the former or the latter. He just wanted to be with the boy and protect him from the world.

"What? What is it? Spit it out, Andou."

Internal conflict began inside of Tsubasa Andou; he had so much to say to him, so much to ask but no words to speak.

Again, this only happened when he was with Natsume.

"How do you do it? How do you do it, not think about—" The shadow caster gestured to the whole landscape, "—this? How could you not think about Mikan? How could you not think about the Academy? How could you not think about the future? Your future? Our—"

Future.

The word was left unspoken between them creating a heavy atmosphere.

"Our what?" Natsume asked with a look of confusion lingering in his tired eyes.

"Our friends..." He said quietly.

"They'll get over it," The fire caster looked away. Somehow, that's not what he expected Tsubasa to say. Did it not occur to him that one of Natsume's biggest concerns right now was how the older alice would handle it if he died?

He wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to leave Tsubasa in this world if he himself had to move on to the next.

As the sun started to fall towards the horizon, Tsubasa began to feel a chill in the air.

"Darn, it's getting cold. We should head back now," he said, rubbing his arms for warmth. To his surprise, before he could stand to help Natsume get up, he saw tiny blue flames floating around them. "Natsume, you shouldn't—"

"It was bound to happen anyway," Natsume said weakly.

Tsubasa moved closer to Natsume. "Thanks," he muttered, but with more sadness in his voice than gratitude.

They both stared into the horizon, watching the sun slowly sink behind the distant trees. Just when Tsubasa smiled at the beautiful sight before them, he felt Natsume's head fall on his shoulder. "Natsume?"

"I'm still alive, jerk," Natsume said, but his voice was weak and his skin began to look paler than ever.

"Natsume, you have to kill these flames," said Tsubasa, worried and trembling as he put an arm around the fire caster.

"Cut me some slack, would you, Andou?" Natsume smirked. "I'm not going to die... Not here, at least. I'm not going to die on something as uncomfortable as wet grass."

"Aren't you scared, though?" Tsubasa shrugged off Natsume's cheap attempts of trying to lighten up the mood with something that was supposed to be funny. "You're practically killing yourself just by lighting a small flame, let alone five."

"No..." Natsume spoke with much effort. "Well, maybe a little; but at least I know I didn't use the last of whatever power I have left on something worthless."

They stayed quiet for a while—Natsume resting and Tsubasa trying to fight back his emotions.

They both watched the sun set, nearly disappearing off the vast infinity that was the horizon. The sky was a canvas of streaks of red and orange and yellow, slowly being consumed by darkness. Briefly, Natsume wondered why something as beautiful as that could be replaced by something so plain and unsightly; and somehow he related this to his approaching death.

He was entranced by the scene unfolding in front of his very eyes, but he was so tired and all he wanted to do was to close his eyes.

Natsume felt his eyes become heavier and heavier, and although he wanted to fight the exhaustion, his body couldn't. He looked up at Tsubasa's face, afraid that this might be the last time he could do that.

When he decided he'd seen enough of the shadow freak, he let his eyes slowly close. Before his eyes completely shut, he saw a lone star glistening.

That was odd. He didn't remember turning away from Tsubasa to look into the empty night sky.

He raised his arm weakly, reaching up to that gleaming star like they do in the movies. Instead of the cold air he expected to feel, he touched warm, moist flesh. His hand dropped involuntarily as his strength-or what remains of it-drained the longer he held his arm up.

As his eyes fell, he felt Tsubasa put his arm around him to pull him closer to his chest and he fell asleep to the lullaby that was the constant beating of his heart.

When he fell asleep, the blue flames around them died out, allowing them to feel the cold breeze of the winter evening.


	5. Part V

**N**atsume didn't know how long he had been sleeping, but when he woke up he found himself in Tsubasa's arms. The older alice was walking at a leisurely pace, one arm carefully wrapped around Natsume's back, while the other was wrapped around his legs.

"You didn't have to do this, you know," he groaned. In a sharp contradiction to his protests, he only shifted to make himself more comfortable in Tsubasa's grip. "I can walk, stupid."

Tsubasa chuckled, pulling him closer. "Yes, but you were also sleeping," he shot back, looking quite amused as Natsume wrapped his arms around his shoulders. "Getting clingy, aren't we?"

"Shut up," Natsume hissed, and buried his face in the crook of Tsubasa's neck. "It's not my fault it's comfortable like this," he added, and felt his cheeks flare deep scarlet. Damn, what was he saying now? Just because he was going to die soon didn't mean he could start saying stupid shit like this.

Tsubasa shrugged, another quiet laugh escaping his lips. "Ah, well. I don't really mind," he said. "I'm actually quite thankful you still haven't punched me in the face for doing this."

"I'm going to die soon. You might as well get your fun while I'm still breathing."

Tsubasa flinched at this. "Natsume..." he said, sounding a little upset.

"It's not something we can deny, you know," Natsume said, lifting his head just enough to look at Tsubasa's eyes. "It's just something we have to accept."

Tsubasa looked away with a cynical smirk. "You're one to talk. You're not the one who's going to be left all alone," he said, biting his tongue as soon as he felt Natsume stiffen. Damn him and his stupid mouth. How could he be an insensitive jerk to someone who was so close to his death?

"I'm sorry."

Tsubasa blinked, the sudden apology from the flame caster rendering him stunned and confused. He looked back to the young man in his arms, unsure if he heard right. "W-hat...?" he asked.

Natsume's lips was adorned by a weak, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry I'm dying, Andou," he said, his voice sounding gruff. "I'm sorry I'll have to leave so soon."

"Natsume," Tsubasa interjected, halting his tracks so that his eyes were on his flame caster alone.

"What are you—?"

"When I was a little younger, I often thought it must be fun to die," he said. "It sounded so appealing - especially to someone who had already lost all reasons to live."

He motioned for Tsubasa to continue walking toward the sunset, pressing his head against the older alice' shoulder. "I was really glad when they told me I had the alice that would kill me with every use of it. I felt lucky. Death is only within reach—I wouldn't have to work so hard to die."

Natsume kept his gaze ahead, his eyes reflecting the colors of the sunset ahead of them. "I think you're an idiot, Tsubasa," he suddenly, and gave a light chuckle when he felt the older alice loosen his grip on him. "But you're a nice idiot. You're the only one from Dangerous Ability I could ever put up with."

Tsubasa frowned, a little thwarted by the sudden shift in topic. "Thanks for the compliment...?" he muttered, only to flinch when Natsume turned his head to face him. "Uh. What?"

Natsume smirked, pinching Tsubasa's cheeks with more force than necessary. "Idiot. A scowling face doesn't suit you."

"Ow, careful with the face!" Tsubasa complained, trying to shake off Natsume's grip on his cheeks. "The girls won't like me if your pinch somehow leaves my face stretched and ugly-"

Natsume lifted an eyebrow at this, and pinched harder. "Girls, huh? Then perhaps I should set your face on fire so they'll be completely disgusted and leave you alone."

Even Tsubasa had to laugh despite the pain. "Are you actually jealous?" he asked in between his fits of laughter, unmindful of Natsume's torturous pinching.

Natsume only scoffed, and pinched even harder. "Huh."

"Ow, hey, Natsume, this isn't funny anymore, let go of my face! Stop it-!" Tsubasa felt the words leave him when he felt the flame caster's lips descend on his hungrily, claiming all of him in wild abandon.

Natsume gripped the collar of Tsubasa's shirt tightly, letting his tongue explore that stupid mouth that more often than not said too many unnecessary things. If he was going to die today, then he might as well die knowing that for at least one time, he was able to force this bastard into submission.

The two of them were equally breathless when Natsume decided to end the kiss, well aware of what he had done and not regretting a single bit of it. "Hah," he panted, his hands still on Tsubasa's face. "That's... that's the payback for the other day."

Tsubasa was still catching his breath as he shook his head. "That... that makes me doubt the findings of the doctors," he said breathlessly.

Natsume's response was only a light scoff, and once again he threw his arms around Tsubasa's neck, as if suddenly drained by what he had done. "I saw Piyo this morning," he said instead.

Tsubasa laughed at that. "Ah, well. He isn't really dead," he said. "I don't know what Ruka must have been thinking when he said that—I mean that chick is hard to miss."

"Ruka doesn't think sometimes," Natsume agreed. "But at least that chick lives." Strange, but somehow knowing the giant chick was alive was... a little comforting. "That's one less life to lose today, huh?"

"There you go again, Natsume—"

Natsume looked up at Tsubasa, smirking at the older alice's frowning face.

"You should smile, Andou. It suits you better," he said, and had the guts to laugh when he saw Tsubasa blush. "Tch, you're so gullible."

"Natsume!"

The flame caster only shook his head, and settled back in his place in Tsubasa's arms. "If I had known you were this easy to tease, I'd have done this sooner," he grumbled. "This is fun."

"You can tease me for as much as you want if you continue living, y'know," Tsubasa offered, obviously trying to keep the conversation light. "I'll allow it, even if it's you."

Natsume managed a small smile despite himself. "As appealing as that offer is, I think I'll pass. I'm... a little too tired to keep playing, Andou. Even if I wanted to, it doesn't feel like... my body will allow me to go on further."

Tsubasa looked down to Natsume, a sudden sort of coldness gripping him when he noticed the fatigue in the flame caster's eyes. The younger alice had been disguising it so well till now that even Tsubasa was fooled, but now that things have settled down, even the master of the shadows could see the strain Natsume had been enduring since this little trip had started. "I think we should go back," he said, unable to disguise the worry in his voice.

Natsume groaned in protest. "Stay. We're staying here. I want to see the sunset."

"Just this once, Natsume, stop being stubborn—"

"I want to stay here with you, Tsubasa."

Once again, Tsubasa blinked at this. He knew the Black Cat had never been predictable, but for the brat to call him by his name was simply... astounding. "So you think you can make up for dying by calling me by my name?" he murmured, holding Natsume closer. "You're an idiot."

"But it made you stay, didn't it?" Natsume shot back, eliciting a snort from his companion. "Just put up with me for a little while more. I'm sure... I'm sure it won't be too long now."

Tsubasa gritted his teeth, tightening his grip on Natsume. "Why are you so eager to die?" he demanded, the words sounding furious despite his attempts at sounding calm. It was infuriating how someone he wanted so badly to stay was so eager to meet his end.

"I hate it... when people get hurt because of me," Natsume said, with a wry smile. He closed his eyes. "I know it's going to hurt you when I die. But the sooner I die, the sooner you can start to get over me."

Tsubasa felt the corners of his eyes burn at that remark. "That's the most fucked up logic I've ever heard my entire life," he blurted out, lowering his head so that his forehead touched Natsume's. "So, so screwed up."

Natsume cracked his eyes open. "All the same, you're still with me."

"I don't even know why either," Tsubasa muttered, taking his place under a random tree overlooking the sunset. "But I'm certain I'm here because I want to."

"That's good enough for me," Natsume said, leaning back against Tsubasa as the two of them stared into the sunset. "Thank you. I know we hate each other's guts, but I'm glad you're kind enough to stay with me till now."

Tsubasa looked at Natsume worriedly, noting how the younger man's breathing seemed to be slowing down. "Hey, Natsume. There's the sunset. Hey. Don't sleep now, okay?"

"You're so... noisy..." Natsume whispered, straining to keep his eyes open to glare at his companion. "You're... you're ruining the scenery... you idiot..."

Tsubasa gritted his teeth, unable to help the sudden coldness he was feeling. He tugged at Natsume's arms, unwilling to let go of him. "Hey! I'll scream if that's what I have to do to keep you awake! Idiot! You said we'll look at the sunset together!"

"I'm... I'm looking, Tsubasa. Shut up," Natsume hissed, letting his head rest in the crook of Tsubasa's neck. "Just... enjoy the scenery..."

Tsubasa clenched his jaw. "All right, then hold my hand, okay? I know this is stupid, but hold my hand while we watch the sunset together. Don't even ask why, because it's so hard to explain myself, and—"

Natsume managed a guttural chuckle, and he captured Tsubasa's hand in his. "There. Happy?"

Tsubasa started, a little surprised by how easily Natsume agreed with his request. "You... you really aren't well, aren't you?" Because as far as he knew, even the devil himself would not be able to make Natsume do something like this. Ever.

"And you're scared as hell," Natsume shot back. "Who would have known that the only person to scare you like this... is me?"

"That's hardly a compliment," Tsubasa answered quickly, trying to prolong the conversation. "Natsume, I—"

"There are..." Natsume inhaled, deeply. "There are... many reasons... why some people wish to die. One of them... one of them is when they no longer see... a reason to be alive."

"But... but sometimes..." Natsume continued, looking up at Tsubasa so that weak scarlet met anxious blues, "sometimes people get lucky... and find a new reason to keep on living."

He smiled, and for the first time in his life Tsubasa could have sworn Natsume was going to cry. "I'm one of those... who are lucky. Somewhere along the way... I found that reason again..."

Tsubasa bit his lip, feeling his eyes brim with tears. "You idiot, I said stop it - "

"It just... kind of sucks that... I have to die just when... just when I found that reason," Natsume said, before closing his eyes.

"Tsubasa... please don't be an idiot. I still... I still hate your guts. But at the same time..." Natsume sighed. "I think... I think I might have liked you."

Tsubasa felt his eyes widen, just as he felt Natsume's hand slip from his own. "Natsume? Natsume! Hey! You idiot! Natsume! Hey!"

"You can't die on me after telling me you might have liked me! What does that even mean! You idiot! I haven't even told you how I felt yet! Don't you dare die on me!"

Tsubasa gritted his teeth, still stubbornly holding Natsume in his arms. "I think I might have liked you too, you idiot," he whispered.


End file.
